“My children came through me, consider me as their portal however this does not mean that I own their freedom”
Stick with me for a moment.
For years I was raising my children with the mindset that they owed me their life.
It was my belief that because I had given birth to them and experienced 9 months of pregnancy and hours of pain during labour, they would do as I said!
“Wow, how wrong was I”?!
In subconsciously treating my children as my assets or an investment for the future, I failed to show up as a “parent”. The decisions I made and the expectations which I set were not only unrealistic but unhealthy for our relationship.
I was doing everything in my power to ensure that they remained dependent on me. I fulfilled their every need as a “mother” so they could see how fundamental I was, and how impossible it would be to live without me! I met their expectations as their “mother” and in return, I set expectations which I wanted them to fulfil as “my” children.
“Mum, I can’t open this, can you open it for me”, “Yes bring it here”
“Mum, what am I taking for lunch tomorrow”, “chicken sandwiches and a yogurt”
“Mum, I am bored can you suggest something for me to do”, “sure, why don’t you go to the park”
These conversations became a clear indicator of how much my children depended on me and how much I allowed myself to control them. I did not give them the space to feel liberated or be who they wanted to be. I conditioned them to believe exactly what I had been conditioned to believe as a child, that the parent was the “centre of their existence”.
Whilst my children were younger, this behaviour did not appear questionable. However, as they got older, I came to realise how wrong I was. When they were approaching “double digits and still asking me to open their yogurt, I knew that something needed to change”! It was at this point that I woke up to my consciousness.
I started to question “how they would survive if I wasn’t around”? It became important for me to make them self sufficient, independent and true to themselves. I did not want to continue raising them as I had from a subconscious mindset. Instead, I wanted to shift my focus towards being more conscious and giving them the tools to feel liberated and free from the “parental control” in other words, ME!
I stopped parenting! I stopped taking control. I started to let go of my ego and I started to become a friend. It was not easy. When my son came to me and asked me to “open his yogurt or tie his laces”, I responded with “how do you think you would feel if you could open your yogurt yourself”? “If you can learn how to tie your laces, then you will be able to tie them when I am not with you”. At first this approach was not welcomed. Of course, they did not like the idea as it meant that now they had to do the work! However, when they could see what they were achieving, the feeling of accomplishment soon shifted their mindset.
I am not perfect and I am still working on becoming a great friend to my children. I don’t want to boss them around, control them or micro manage. I know I wouldn’t like any of those behaviours to be imposed on me so why would I expect them to welcome them with open arms?!
I encourage you to understand that your children are not your puppets and that “we – the parents” are not here to pull their strings. I invite you to let go and set them free so that you have a deep rooted friendship with them and can enjoy the remainder of your life in harmony! Best of luck.
